Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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