god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
