To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
