So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
