Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
