I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
