I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
