can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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