just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
