i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
