i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
