my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A+ Viking dick
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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