I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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