I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
