My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
