OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
