I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
