I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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