I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
