i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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