I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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