you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
