so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
