I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
