Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
