Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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