he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
