I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
