So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
