I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You are a genius and a whore.
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