worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
