Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
