I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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