I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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