My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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