I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
