You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just invented taco cereal.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
