just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
