Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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