What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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