I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
