I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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