A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
