Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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