I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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