Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
