Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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