so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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