That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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