Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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