I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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