I think I just saw someone hide a body.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
