The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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